Quiet dumping is a new name for a type of breakup that has been around for a long time. The relationship is no longer taken so important, the efforts are stopped – mostly with the goal that the other person pronounces the separation. Supposed to just peter out without having to have another breakup conversation.
What is Quiet Dumping? Meaning, definition, explanation
With the advent of online dating, forms of communication have crept into the love and relationship world that are very far from respect and appreciation. Ghosting, for example, is simply not contacting a new acquaintance until they realize on their own that contact is no longer desired. However, with quiet dumping, a love relationship already exists, it is no longer a matter of getting rid of new acquaintances.
The term „quiet dumping“ is derived from quiet quitting, which has become popular in social media and refers to the profession and means that the employee only works to rule and has already resigned. In quiet dumping, one of the partners has decided that they no longer want the relationship. Instead of ending the relationship, the other partner is manipulated into taking this step by changing his or her behavior.
How does Quiet Dumping manifest itself?
Quiet Dumping begins with a change in the partner’s behavior. The one who wants to end the relationship thereby creates a situation for the other in which he can only lose interest in the partnership in the long run. This is clearly and manipulation. The other is to be pushed thereby to a decision, which it would not have made without this manipulation. In professional circles, this manipulation is also called gaslighting. This is derived from the movie of the same name, in which the husband repeatedly turned on the gas-powered lights and claimed they were off in order to convince his wife she had gone insane. With this form of manipulation, the victim is deprived of the security in his own perception, so that he questions himself and no longer trusts his own judgment. This makes them vulnerable to further manipulation. Quiet dumping may involve the following behaviors on the part of the partner:
- The partner no longer brings initiative, suggestions, or interest to the table
- Complaints accumulate without the partner actively doing anything to rectify the situation
- Conversations about thoughts, life events, and feelings no longer occur
- Disrespect can accumulate (e.g. cancellations at short notice, being late, …)
- The partner is left alone with all responsibilities and does not receive any more support
- the contact to each other is only one-sided, only one of the partners is in touch
- the sex life becomes much less or does not exist anymore
- There is a lack of understanding and empathy.
The Quiet Dumping cycle
Quiet Dumping sets in when one partner unilaterally decides that the relationship is no longer worth their efforts. This can be a conscious decision, but often it is also an unconscious inner denunciation to the partner. The cause may be disputes or problems that seem unsolvable. If previous discussions have not led to an improvement, it may be that one partner loses hope that the situation will still change. It would be consistent to say so and either separate or talk about a possible solution. If this does not happen, both are already in the middle of quiet dumping.
As manipulative as this development may seem, both partners are often involved in its development. A partner who is difficult to talk to, for example because he is very opinionated or lacks empathy, can quickly bring another into this spiral. If he comes into contact with an inconsistent person who is not aware of his feelings and who finds it difficult to make decisions, it is not far to quiet dumping. The less interest he shows now, the more the problems in the relationship usually worsen.
Causes for Quiet Dumping
Why don’t you just separate when you get the feeling that the relationship can’t be saved and doesn’t make you happy anymore? Often Quiet Dumping is not a bad intention of the partner, but he himself is overwhelmed with the situation. However, it is just as likely that a genuine narcissist is at work here, who has never really loved and is now in the relationship phase in which he is finished with the partner and keeps his eyes open for something new. These causes may be behind Quiet Dumping:
The feelings are gone, but the situation is too comfortable for them to leave
The partner’s life is demanding in other areas and he has no strength to think about the relationship.
The feelings are still there, but previous attempts to solve them have not resulted in any improvement and the hope for this is fading away
Toxic or even dangerous personality types such as narcissists use quiet dumping, sometimes very consciously, for manipulation.
How can you deal with Quiet Dumping?
Quiet Dumping hurts and also means standstill. Problems are not solved, but paused or even worsened. Therefore, there is only one solution here: address! It is important to maintain a non-violent communication without reproaches. These two messages mean the same thing, but the tone makes the music:
„You don’t even make an effort for us anymore, you’re always on the road and when I want to talk to you, you always have a lame excuse ready why it’s not possible again!“
„It makes me very sad that we don’t talk to each other. I wish we could find a way to solve our problems, and I ask you to take time to do that and talk to me.“
It is important to break the silence, get back into the conversation, and also draw a line. The partner may not even be aware that he or she is causing this situation by being passive – but he or she needs to accept that the other person is not going to let this happen to them. The outcome of a discussion may also mean that the couple is separating and that this was the final impetus to pronounce the separation. But this is still better than living in the uncertainty of quiet dumping.